


Nothing Hurts Here

by MorningRainandCoffeeStains



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F, grab some tissues, post 2x10, super emotional
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 16:08:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11901294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorningRainandCoffeeStains/pseuds/MorningRainandCoffeeStains
Summary: Some days, Nicole thinks she owes Waverly her entire life.It never occurs to her she'd owe her an explanation, too.(Post 2x10. Canon.)





	Nothing Hurts Here

**Author's Note:**

> This was also supposed to be posted after 2x10; it’s set a couple days after all the events of the hospital. That episode was super emotional, and I just wanted to capture what might’ve happened with Nicole addressing the existence of her wife. It kinda ignores the whole alternate universe thing in the actual show, though, so I suppose you could call it slightly non-canon. 
> 
> P.S. This doesn’t really touch upon the whole Waverly cheating thing. Just didn’t have room for it. 
> 
> P.P.S. I looked it up, and according to IMDB, Shae’s name is spelled with an E. I’ve seen the fandom spell it the other way, too, but I’m sticking to the database’s info.

Waverly has been distracted.

The events of four days ago are all that’s on her mind these past couple of days. She can’t do anything without thinking back to the gruesomeness of it all: the graying of Nicole’s face, the deep red rivers of blood streaming down her arm, the relaxing of the muscles in her face as she seemed to fade away on the gurney in that ambulance. Waverly had spilled almost an entire cup of coffee back at the station earlier today when a flash of that face flitted through her mind’s eye. She’s been distracted by these intruding thoughts ever since.

A part of her wants to believe that it was all a dream, because she really was close to losing Nicole that day. She knows that. And it makes her sick to her stomach every time she thinks about it. Each time Nicole leans in for a kiss, she almost flinches, because she’s afraid that she’ll disappear from just one touch—that her entire world would shatter beneath her once more.

But there’s another reason behind the hesitation, too.

Shae. Never in her life did she expect a random young woman to show up that day, let alone a woman who happens to be _Nicole’s wife_. She’d left in a rush before Nicole was even fully conscious, giving some sort of half-hearted explanation along the lines of just “needing to see that Nicole would be okay.”

Waverly barely remembers; she’d been too distracted watching the love of her life escape from death’s insistent grip.

And since then, she hadn’t mentioned it. Nicole doesn’t even know Shae was there. Waverly knows she has to tell her, even if deep down, she doesn’t really want to. And that sickens her a little bit, because she shouldn’t have been jealous at a time like that, but Jesus, she _was_. Watching that woman—a freaking _doctor_ , no less—look after Nicole was painful in a way she wasn’t expecting. When she’d discovered that Nicole actually _was_ allergic to something, there was a split second in which she felt as if she didn’t even know the person laying in that hospital bed after all, and that made her scared, angry, confused, and hurt all at the same time.

She just keeps thinking about all of this, and it frustrates her because she can’t stop. It invades every corner of her mind—and for a good reason, she knows that—but at the same time, she sometimes just wants to turn it all off. She wants there to be a switch in her brain—one that allows her to think of only the good memories, none of the bad ones.

It’s all just strange, and just a little cruel, because Nicole had already been on her mind almost every minute of every day before this, but now it’s tinged with a certain level of trepidation. So instead of the thought of her girlfriend just being something she can smile about, the thought of how close she’d been to saying goodbye creeps in as a cruel little reminder every time.

And so, Waverly has been distracted.

Even now, as Nicole tells her a funny story about Calamity Jane, she’s preoccupied.

A gentle hand on her arm and a familiar voice brings her back.

“Wave, are you okay?”

“Huh?” Waverly jolts a little bit, before closing her eyes and grimacing. “Oh, nuts. Sorry, I was just… thinking.”

Nicole sighs, that concerned look flitting across her face for the millionth time since she’d come home from the hospital.

“Waverly, all you’ve been doing is thinking.”

Waverly looks at her then, a flash of something dark flashing through her just briefly.

“How can I not be? I almost lost you four days ago.”

That shuts her up. Waverly immediately regrets the biting words, and she bites her own lip, shaking her head and closing her eyes again.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry,” Waverly whispers, putting her head in her hands, tears flooding her eyes again.

(That’s another thing that’s been commonplace these last couple of days. Tears.)

Nicole didn’t deserve that. Especially not after all she’s been through.

“Wave, please, stop crying, baby,” Nicole pleads, moving around the kitchen table and pulling her into an embrace. “It hurts to see you like this.”

Waverly can feel the rough texture of Nicole’s bandage against her, and it makes her cry harder.

“Waverly,” Nicole says again when she doesn’t stop, pulling back to look at her face. The sound of Waverly crying sends a rush of pain through her chest. “Wave, baby, what is it?”

She mumbles something into her shirt, but Nicole doesn’t quite catch it.

“What?”

“It’s you, Nicole,” Waverly says, clearer this time, though choked up with tears. “It’s you. I can’t stop thinking about you, and not in such a good way.” She struggles through her words, voice shaking uncontrollably. “I keep thinking about how close I was to losing you, in more than one way, and it—”

“Whoa, wait, what do you mean?” Nicole asks. “More than one way?”

Waverly exhales softly, looking at her with heavy eyes. Here goes.

“Shae. Does that name mean anything to you?”

Nicole freezes then, her eyes widening almost imperceptibly, but it’s there. Waverly didn’t really want to believe it, even when she’s certain Shae was real, but in that moment, she gets confirmation that the young woman was indeed one of Nicole’s past lovers, and she thinks she feels something in her _break_  

The lump in her throat grows impossibly larger, consuming the space in her throat.

“When were you going to tell me?”

“Waverly, I’m sor—”

“No, Nicole, _please_ , I don’t want more apologies,” Waverly beseeches her. “It isn’t anything you need to be sorry for; I just…” A tear falls at the same time she looks up at Nicole with shining eyes, and she chokes out, “It hurt. And I know that maybe I shouldn’t have felt that way, but I did, because… she knew you. It felt like she knew you better than _I_ did, even, and Nicole, I can’t even tell you how useless I felt—”

“ _Waverly_ , stop it,” Nicole says. “First of all, you are _not_ useless, never use that word in reference to yourself, and second of all…” She shakes her head, confused and mostly bewildered. “Shae? She was there?”

The words aren’t hopeful; they’re baffled.

“Yes,” Waverly nods. “She was. She left before you could even see her, but… she was definitely there.”

“Okay,” Nicole says, stepping aside and pulling a stool next to Waverly’s to sit down. She exhales. “Okay.”

Her facial expression has gone distant, seeming a million miles away at the moment.

“Nicole…” Waverly says hesitantly.

“I’ll… explain in a second; I just need a moment to… to process this.”

Waverly doesn’t want to wait another second; she wants to know everything about who she is and what they were to each other, right this minute, but she stops herself from pushing. The last thing Nicole needs right now is to be pushed before she’s ready.

She takes another minute or so, but to Waverly, the silence seems to stretch on for days, her leg almost bouncing up and down in anticipation.

“Shae. Shae Clark. I haven’t heard that name in… _years_ ,” Nicole says, her voice barely a whisper.

She forces herself back to the present, looking back at Waverly. “When was she there?” She shakes her head. “ _Why_ was she there?”

“She was there about an hour after you were put under,” Waverly replies, watching her carefully. “And I don’t know why; she didn’t really say.”

Nicole doesn’t say anything to this. She lets the silence linger once more, and it’s agonizing. Waverly waits again, and the stretching quiet is beginning to make her uneasy. Just how much does that name mean to Nicole?

Does it mean more to her than Waverly’s?

The thought of it makes Waverly want to cry again, and Nicole senses it immediately.

“Waverly, I haven’t spoken to her in years; it’s nothing you need to be upset about.”

“But isn’t it?” Waverly questions her. “She seems to be someone you remember very clearly.”

Nicole sighs. “She’s just—”

“Just _what_ , Nicole? She’s your _wife_ , for pete’s sake; that’s who she is.”

Nicole is taken aback for a moment. “She told you.”

Waverly almost wants to laugh. “Why wouldn’t she? It’s not like anyone would feel the need to explain themselves when they’re standing in the middle of the room of someone who’s dying, would they?”

She can feel her grip slipping from the metaphorical reigns of her emotions, the anger now trickling into her words, and she wants to stop it, but she can’t; she wants answers, damn it.

“ _Okay_ , yes, she’s… my wife,” Nicole says. The word is almost foreign to her now. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. But I promise you, nobody knows about it. God, not even my own parents know. The ceremony—if you can even call it that—it was quick and dirty and… just completely _meaningless_.”

“It doesn’t seem all that _meaningless_ considering the fact that she came all this way to check up on you,” Waverly quips.

She doesn’t know where all this indignation is suddenly coming from; in fact, she kind of hates that she’s being like this, but if she doesn’t get answers soon, she’s not sure how much more she can take.

Nicole squeezes her eyes shut then opens them, before shaking her head slowly yet profusely. “ _No_ , Waverly, you aren’t going to do this.” 

“Do _what_?” Waverly raises her voice a little, not quite a yell but getting there. “Be confused? And hurt? And just a little bit angry that someone you thought you knew better than anyone keeps such a huge piece of information from you? That for some reason, they felt like they couldn’t tell you?”

“Because I wanted to forget about it!” Nicole yells back. The words aren’t biting or nasty in any way, just emphasized, because she doesn’t want this. She doesn’t want Waverly thinking she would ever go back. “And I didn’t tell you because… well, it’s not exactly the easiest thing to bring up in conversation, is it? I wanted to tell you, Wave. God knows I wanted to, but what could I have said? ‘Hey, you’re amazing and I love you, oh, and by the way, I’m _married’_?” She looks at Waverly, biting her lip a little. She doesn’t say anything, so she continues. “I wanted to move on, to put it all behind me. And I know that sounds so stupid and cheesy, like I’m just making excuses for why I never brought it up, but it’s true.” Her eyes are pleading along with her voice, and Waverly just listens.

Nicole wrings her hands a bit, thinking of what to say, how to word it.

“When I got to Vegas, I was going through one of the worst times of my life. Maybe even _the_ worst, actually. And I just _drank_. I drank, and I just _kept_ drinking.” Nicole’s on her feet now, pacing a bit but slowly. “The saddest part is that I know now that I wasn’t drinking to lose my inhibitions and remember; I was drinking to _forget_. I thought that I could just drink my problems away and forget about them, like some sad, pathetic alcoholic, and I am not proud of it, Waverly. I’m not. I used to feel the shame of it every day, but now it’s so far in the past I never think about it, let alone _talk_ about it.” Nicole pinches the bridge of her nose between her fingers, her face pained, trying to keep the memories she doesn’t want from flooding back, before she continues. Her voice grows smaller, as if talking to herself now instead. “I came here, to Purgatory, to escape all of that, and now…”

“Well, _she_ seems to remember you pretty damn well.”

It takes everything in Nicole not to scream.

“Waverly, you stop that _right now_. You will _not_ question my loyalty to you based on a mistake that I made so long ago,” Nicole is crying suddenly, and the sight immediately makes Waverly soften. Nicole is looking at her like she’s taking apart her heart, piece by piece, and the weight of it is crushing. “I know how hurt and confused you must have felt, baby, and I am _so sorry_ for that, and I hate that I couldn’t be there to reassure you like I would have. It _hurts_ , actually, to even think about it, but you need to believe me when I say I would have never gone back to her, _please_.”

She reaches forward, taking one of Waverly’s hands between both of hers and squeezing.

“She doesn’t change anything; she doesn’t affect the happiness I feel with you.”

The lump in Waverly’s throat now is so significant she can’t get words past it, so she just lets Nicole continue.

“I used to look back on that trip, and a part of me hated it because I couldn’t remember a lot of it… And in 5, 10, hell, _20_ years from now, Waverly, when I look back on my life, what do you think I’ll remember?” Nicole stares at her, shaking her head. “You think that’s it? You think that I’ll want to remember that… _stupid fling_ I had in Vegas when I was drunk almost every hour of every day that I was there? You think I’ll want to remember that?” Nicole is almost pleading with her, stepping forward into Waverly’s space. “Or do you think I’ll remember the day I walked into an old bar, in a new town that I barely knew, and by some incredible chance, saw the most breathtaking woman I’d ever seen in my life, standing right there in the middle of it? Smiling at me like the sun took up residence in her eyes?” Her own eyes are brimming with a fresh set of tears. She needs her to understand this. “Which one do you think I’ll remember that far from now? Huh?” Nicole breathes deeply before continuing. “And the biggest difference is, _you_ will still be in my life. And we’ll be looking back at it all, together.”

Waverly is looking up at her with the most sorrowful yet uplifted and _relieved_ look on her face, and she breaks, her face crumpling, tears flooding the corners of her eyes before they’re squeezed onto her cheeks when she closes them, wrapping her arms tightly around Nicole and crying into her shirt. Nicole returns the fierce embrace two-fold, one hand in Waverly’s hair and the other wrapped tightly around her waist. Nicole’s own tears streak down her face when she closes her eyes, too, chin resting on top of Waverly’s head. They stand there for several moments, just reveling in each other’s embraces, before Waverly finally stops crying long enough to pull back just slightly and look up at Nicole’s face. Nicole thinks her heart fractures just a little bit at the sight of those hazel-green eyes, wet with tears and just slightly red around the edges from tears.

“I was _so scared_ , Nicole,” Waverly confesses, her voice trembling a little bit. “I was terrified, beyond anything I’ve ever felt in my life, and I felt so _helpless_ , and I hated it.” She sniffles, bringing her hands up to wrap around Nicole’s face and pulling her down, pressing her forehead to hers, breathing the rest of her words into her lips. “I was already losing you, and then Shae appeared out of nowhere, and suddenly I felt like I was losing you in some other way, too.” She closes her eyes again against another onslaught of tears before opening them once more. “I felt like I knew everything about you, absolutely everything, and then here comes somebody who knew you before, who knew things about you that I didn’t and it wasn’t fair and I know that sounds selfish, like I want you all to myself but—” 

“Waves, baby, shhh,” Nicole shushes her, arms wrapping tighter around her waist. “Slow down. Slow down, baby, just breathe.” She moves them towards the couch. “Here, let’s just go sit down, okay? Just relax.”

She sits down, pulling Waverly into her lap and holding her close once more. Waverly hasn’t loosened her grip on the front of Nicole’s shirt, and she doesn’t seem to have any plans of doing so. Nicole grabs one of them, clasping their fingers together and pressing their joined hands to her sternum. She speaks to her, voice soft, as Waverly continues to cry.

“Shae was someone from my past. She was someone who was there for me at a time in my life where I’d felt more alone in this world than I ever had up until that point. A couple days before I got there, it was the last time I remember speaking to my parents, even now,” Nicole squeezes her hand, makes sure Waverly is hearing this. Her voice is insistent, almost pleading. 

“We had our fun, and she was great, Waverly, she was; I’ll admit that. I’d be lying if I told you that she wasn’t a good person. She was kind, and she was smart and witty, but at the end of the day, that’s all she was to me: she was just a good person who decided not to judge me at first glance, who even _liked_ me, and for the first time in my life, it felt like someone cared, so I went with it. And damn it, Waverly, don’t take it the wrong way, but I don’t regret it. Us getting married was a mistake, but the rest of that trip? She _opened my eyes_ , Wave. She showed me the world while we were climbing up its rocks, climbing right to the top of it, and it spoke to me; and it told me that I deserved better. That there is so much more out there than what is right in front of you at any given moment; that the world can be good if only you allow yourself to believe it, if you chase what you feel belongs to you,” Nicole tells her this, her voice stronger and steadier as she goes on. “So then, I moved on, we lost contact. The only reason why we’re still technically married now is because I’d all but forgotten about it, never thought to file for an official divorce… I didn’t drink for a year straight after that trip, and a couple years later, I finally found a job that I liked. And then, I found myself here in Purgatory.”

Nicole looks straight into Waverly’s eyes—those mesmerizing, absolutely devastating bright eyes that make her heart feel too big for her chest every time she sees them—and holds them in her own as she finishes her story. “I found myself here, and I found someone else, too.” Nicole brings a hand up, cupping Waverly’s jaw. “I found you, and God, Waverly, every day I wake up, I have to pray that you’re real, because you truly are the best thing that has ever happened to me.” 

The smile that splits Nicole’s face at her own words makes Waverly let out a joyful little laugh in return, breaking through all the tears, and Nicole finally leans down to kiss her, deep, but also slow and sweet and full of an adoration that she can’t quite articulate with words.

When Nicole pulls back, she does so slowly and somewhat reluctantly, and she lets out a shaky breath against Waverly’s lips.

“You are everything I never thought I’d feel deserving of. We fight demons all the time in this town—and sometimes they’re our own—but I look at you and you make me want to believe they don’t exist after all,” Nicole tells her. “Shae showed me the world, but you have turned it upside down for me. And before you go doubting again, I’ll say it one more time: I have never loved anyone the way that I love you, Waverly Earp. In some way, I don’t regret my past, because whatever I did, no matter how much anything I went through hurt, it led me right to you. And _nothing_ hurts here with you. Absolutely nothing—and to me, that’s _everything_. I’m here now, sitting right in front of you. That thing that you want, that scares you to death?” Nicole squeezes her hand. “I am _not_ going anywhere.”

Waverly is crying once more, but it’s no longer sorrowful; it’s full of joy and happiness and the kind of warmth that reaches all the way up to her ears. She kisses her girlfriend again, and she revels in it, wants to melt into her if she could. When they finally pull away, Waverly exhales slowly, opening her eyes, that smile still fixated on her lips. Her next words are hushed, but she might as well have shouted them from the rooftops, Nicole feels them ring through her and heal her bruised soul.

“I love you, Nicole.”

She lets out a watery laugh before kissing her again, and the amount of love that surges through them both is so momentous it’s dizzying. When they pull away again, the smile Waverly gives her is almost shy. 

“Officer Haught, I don’t know about you, but after all that, I think it’s time I buy you that cup of coffee.”

Nicole lets out a laugh that sounds so sweet to Waverly’s ears that she can’t help but return it, before leaning up to join their lips together once more.

“How about tonight?” Nicole smiles before giving into a moment that she knows she’ll remember, not 20 years from now, but way past forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I hope you enjoyed! (But also hope you didn't cry because tbh I did while writing this. lol. They kill me.) 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts! I love reading comments and am always open to feedback. Or if you just want to say hi, that's fine too! :) 
> 
> I'm hoping to post another fic next week; debating on whether or not I should drop the E-rated one or the G-rated fluffy one, both of which are in the works. Which one do you guys want to see? Let me know in the comments! 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading; you guys gave me such a warm welcome when I posted my first one, and I'm grateful for your kindness. <3


End file.
